Well, it’s better than the Eddie Murphy version.
DIRECTOR: JUSTIN SIMIEN/2023
What’s a family to do when they find out their new home is a haunted mansion?
If you’re Gabbie (Rosario Dawson) and her son Travis (Chase Dillon), you hire a priest. If you’re Father Kent (Owen Wilson) and can’t exorcise the spirits, you hire a paranormal photographer to help. If you’re Ben (LaKeith Stanfield) and your one-of-a-kind camera can’t cure the place of the phantoms, you hire a medium. If you’re Harriet (Tiffany Haddish) and can’t use your psychic powers to communicate with the deceased, you hire an expert on historical hauntings. And if you’re Bruce (Danny DeVito) and still can’t get rid of the ghosts with the help of the whole group, who you gonna call? If you’re already trapped in the Haunted Mansion, the Ghostbusters aren’t available. These six are stuck together until they find a way out—or until the most ominous wraith in residence (Jared Leto) finds a way to keep their souls hostage forever.
The nicest thing I can say about Haunted Mansion is, well, it’s better than the Eddie Murphy one. Murphy’s listless horror-comedy is just a few months shy of its 20th anniversary, and if it weren’t pushed to the top of Disney+ every Halloween season, I suspect it’d be near-forgotten. That version isn’t embarrassing for anyone involved, but its weak comedy and family movie clichés don’t match the creativity of a theme park ride that has been winning enthusiastic fan for over 50 years now. Our new version makes the smart decision to lean deeper into the comedy and into the horror, hitting its marks on most jokes and creating enough spooks (with only one real jump scare) for a PG-13 rating.
Haunted Mansion is a perfectly serviceable movie night for families with older kids, and to the movie’s credit, the mostly-family audience I saw it with was laughing so loudly I had trouble hearing some of the dialogue. That’s not nothing, but is “perfectly serviceable” all we can hope for a screening that attracts viewers who dress both themselves and their vehicles in Haunted Mansion swag? About 90% of Wilson’s lines made me chuckle and Dillon is standout kid actor, but why doesn’t this funny cast get a real chance to let their comedy chops cook? I’ve said on the record I could watch LaKeith Stanfield read the phone book and I can confirm his character arc here got me misty-eyed, but why were most of DeVito, Dan Levy, and Winona Ryder’s (!!) scenes cut? (Levy and Ryder are each in one!) The set piece inspired by floor-dropping foyer is clever, but how did the Muppets find more innovation on the setting in their 52-minute special from 2021? Also, why is this not coming out in October? If Haunted Mansion makes its Disney+ debut then, I’ll likely stick with Muppets Haunted Mansion or the other paranormal comedy written by Katie Dippold, the much funnier and much underrated Ghostbusters from 2016.
Because there’s little else to say about Haunted Mansion and because Disney hasn’t made an inspiring movie inspired by one of their theme park rides since 2003 (all due respect to whomever had the chutzpah to green light the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean starring both Orlando Bloom and zombie sharks), the rest of this space is dedicated to inspiring the future of their theme park movies. (You’re welcome, Bob Iger. Your writers and actors seem to be otherwise engaged right now, and I know you’re looking for ways to pass the time.)
These movies are announced with no release date, which means it’s not too late for these ideas:
- Big Thunder Mountain Railroad – In the Old West, a cartoonish baron (Sam Rockwell) wants to destroy the livelihoods of an entire region for the purpose of Business, but a plucky group takes him down with the help of the railroad and Will Ferrell as the old prospector he was born to play. Please film on location in the Southwest and feature lots of train chases!
- Space Mountain – The comedy version of The Right Stuff! For a reason that’s not important, a bunch of goofballs (Paul Rudd, Brian Tyree Henry, Jeff Goldblum, Aubrey Plaza, Tessa Thompson, and one of the kids from Cocaine Bear) have to go to space to save the planet, but in the spirit of the ride, their ship keeps breaking every time they’re about to take off.
- Tower of Terror – The 1997 made-for-TV movie starring Steve Guttenberg and Kirsten Dunst is actually pretty solid. That skeleton of a script is a good start—just add a bigger budget to the glamorous 1930s Hollywood setting, a few extra spooks, and some jokes courtesy of Taika Waititi, who is attached to direct.
- Figment – I have always found this purple dragon created to teach kids about the five senses to be one of the more upsetting park attractions, so my only advice is to take nothing about this seriously if you have to make this at all. Since Seth Rogen is involved, this project is probably on the right track.
These current Disney rides have untapped potential:
- Enchanted Tiki Room – An old school musical set on and around the ocean in the style of On the Town, Shall We Dance, and South Pacific. Lots and lots of tap dancing, please! Bonus points if we can use this to turn Simu Liu into the musical star I glimpsed in Barbie.
- Expedition Everest – The ride follows a loose story about missing explorers who encounter a Yeti, which means this creature feature is already outlined. The single rider line also means every Animal Kingdom guest already has years of goodwill stored up for this brand.
- The Hall of Presidents – Since this ride exists for Dads to justify all the money they’ve spent on this vacation, this should be ultra-educational, action-packed, and star all of your dad’s favorite actors: Gerard Butler as Andrew Jackson, Nicolas Cage as Martin Van Buren, Russell Crowe as Ulysses S. Grant, Harrison Ford as Teddy Roosevelt, Tom Hanks as Woodrow Wilson, Kurt Russell as one of the late 1800s presidents with a big mustache, and—even though he’s too old—Denzel Washington as Barack Obama. Basically, Aaron Sorkin’s The Expendables!
- It’s a Small World – A meta slasher in the style of Scream. A hodge podge of Disney World guests (including Jenna Ortega, obviously) get stuck inside the ride, and that horrifying song—”It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears // It’s a world of hopes, and a world of fears”—plays every time the killer comes out to play.
- Kali River Rapids – An Indiana Jones-style action-adventure set on a rough-and-tumble river. Since all the actors are doing their own stunts instead of a computer, it’s a more thrilling version of Jungle Cruise.
- Muppet*Vision 3D – Mr. Iger, this is a reminder you own the Muppets and can do literally anything you want with them. At least once a month, I think about a tweet suggesting a Pride & Prejudice adaptation with Adam Driver as Mr. Darcy, and I live every day as if I can make that vision a reality.
- PeopleMover – An artsy mood piece since this is the only relaxing attraction in the Magic Kingdom. A promising challenge for any writer/director who wants to sneak their therapy sessions into an IP vehicle! I don’t know why, but Timothée Chalamet is probably in this.
- Spaceship Earth – Two not-so-bright teens get trapped inside the big ball at Epcot, which turns out to be a way to time travel to all of the scenes depicted on the ride. Disney’s version of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure with a lot of self-aware jokes about animatronics! Also, there will be tons of celebrity cameos when they time travel, including everyone you’ve ever loved on Saturday Night Live and Matt Damon doing that surprise appearance thing he loves.
- Soarin’ – A teen invents a high-tech hang glider and travels across the planet with the help of a grumpy mentor who, I don’t know, had to give up their hang gliding dreams or something? We critics will scoff at this when the inspiring trailer drops, but Roger Deakins’s globetrotting cinematography will force us to take it seriously, and families will come in droves.
- Test Track – A science-based Fast and Furious. If Disney can shell out for some sort of experience that’s never been filmed from a car before, that’s enough of a gimmick to get us in the theater.
In the spirit of Disney’s live action remakes of animated classics that tap into nostalgia while basically creating nothing new, these sunsetted attractions tap into tourists’ nostalgia and already have blueprints ready to go when the parks want to resurrect them:
- The Great Movie Ride – A mash-up of the history of cinema in the style of Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Last Action Hero. The Wicked Witch of the West should still kidnap someone, and Turner Classic Movies should still be involved in creating the narrative.
- Rock ’n’ Roller Coaster – Aerosmith rides a roller coaster! If for some reason that isn’t enough plot, then we could put a kid at the center who needs to get Aerosmith back together for one last show, which is the exact plot of 2002’s Country Bears. I thought this was the coolest roller coaster ever for a significant portion of my childhood, and there must be some kid out there who feels the same about Aerosmith.
One more option? A director’s cut of Haunted Mansion—I need to know what Winona Ryder was up to on set!