Handsome and Gretel
Directed by Clive Donner
Starring Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, Pat Morita
Released 1986
Unrated
It’s the holiday season, and teenager Mary (Jill Schoelen) is finishing up her retail shift at a toy store, sharing jokes with her co-worker/boyfriend Jack (Keanu Reeves) while fending off inappropriate advances from her boss Barnie (Richard Mulligan). A blizzard forces the store to close early, so Jack, Mary, her younger sister Lisa (Drew Barrymore), and her pal George (Googy Gress) pile into Mary’s ride to get back home. Dashing through the snow in their fast-moving car, the young people break out into song about how much they love Cincinnati, something that I’m sure no one has ever actually done in real life.
Their unbridled enthusiasm for their hometown leads to an awful car accident that ejects young Lisa from the careening vehicle and into a tree. This is when Lisa is transported to Toyland, a terrifying vision of animal costumes and primary colors. It’s meant to come across as whimsical, but it’s unintentionally unsettling, in a Five Nights at Freddy’s sort of way. Toyland’s dancing animals and bear cops (ACAB: All Cops Are Bears) reminded me of the parade of animal costumes in The Wicker Man. Lisa bounces around Toyland, unhurt, encountering fairy tale characters like Little Boy Blue, Humpty Dumpty, and…Sherlock Frog?
We also meet the Toymaster (Pat Morita), a Santa Claus figure who sings and teaches the children lessons about staying young at heart. The cast we’ve met in the real world of the film play their counterparts in Toyland. Mary becomes Mary Contrary, George becomes Georgie Porgie, Jack becomes Jack-be-Nimble, and Barnie becomes Barnaby Barnicle, an evil dude who wants to marry Ms. Contrary, though she cares not for him and loves Mr. be-Nimble.
Cartoon sound effects pepper the soundtrack as Barnaby Barnacle steals the FLASK OF EVIL that the Toymaster inexplicably keeps in his closet, taking it back to his hideout, a giant bowling ball that overlooks the town. Why is Barnaby Barnicle’s hideout located in a giant bowling ball overlooking the town? Earnest and cute more so than clever or smart, Babes in Toyland’s script is full of head-scratchers, culminating in a battle between an army of soulless toy soldiers and an army of undead mud-twig-moss people. Since all of this is unfolding in the mind of the young girl who we saw hit a tree at high velocity, I wondered if the film would end with the reveal of her mangled, bloody corpse, slumped up against that snowy tree. Of course, it doesn’t.
Loosely based on the 1961 Disney musical and Victor Herbert and Glen MacDonough’s 1903 operetta; this version of Babes in Toyland, a made-for-television movie, is way crazier than you may expect. The film’s tone is super-light, obviously catering to small children. But that doesn’t stop it from being exceedingly quirky. I didn’t count on seeing a giant, one-eyed bird puppet conjuring visions from far off places. I certainly didn’t foresee Richard Mulligan serenading this cyclops turkey with a song about being evil. Or any song, really. Saying that Mulligan’s performance is broad undersells it. He doesn’t so much chew the scenery as regurgitate it. No one has ever accused Keanu Reeves of having great range, and his performance here won’t change that.
Pat Morita brings a considerable amount of warmth to his portrayal of the Toymaster, even as he is barely recognizable under his make-up. The Toymaster tells Lisa that she has been forced to grow up too fast, that she needs to remember what it’s like to be a little girl and believe in the power of toys. Being that Lisa is played by Drew Barrymore, that conceit is a little on the nose. Charming throughout, Barrymore is most definitely the star of the picture. When she says “I always wanted to play with toys. I always wanted to be a kid” it’s a little heartbreaking, given how her real life played out.
The lone special feature on Kino Lorber’s new release is the film’s trailer, but there are two presentations of the film; one presented in its original full-screen format, and one in a new widescreen format. The transfer looks great, with the fun production design (the Toyland jail is painted lavender!) shining through with bright and colorful vibrance.