One for the Naughty List

Directed by Jake Kasdan

Starring Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, Lucy Liu

Released November 15th, 2024

Rated PG-13 

Red One is a deeply unfunny movie, a joyless affair that shouts “Christmas!” at you in lieu of presenting a story with actual holiday cheer. The filmmakers say they would like this to become a franchise, but I doubt audiences will have a desire to revisit these characters. Characters like Garcia (whose name is possibly a nod to Johnson’s producing partners Hiram and Dany), a bipedal polar bear enforcer voiced by Reinaldo Faberlle who is just sort of there. From what Christmas mythology does a talking polar bear like him spring from? Coca-Cola advertisements? Characters like Gryla (Kiernan Shipka), an Icelandic ogre able to shapeshift into someone who looks like Sabrina Spellman. Characters like Callum Drift (Dwayne Johnson), an overly serious bodyguard who presents a soft-spoken “I can beat you up” attitude to most everyone he meets. Johnson’s been doing the same schtick for years now, and it’s no longer charming. 

Unfortunately, this tired display of stoic masculinity is shared by the person Drift is protecting, none other than Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons). This Santa loves working out. This Santa is ripped. We see Drift spotting Claus as he lifts extremely heavy weights in his workshop’s weight room. It’s explained that one needs to be physically fit in order to deliver all of those presents to all of those kids all over the world in one night. Here I thought this was achieved through holiday magic. Shows what I know. After hundreds of years working together, Drift has lost his Christmas spirit and informs Claus that this will be his last year of service. He’s resigning. Drift is the head of security for E.L.F. (Enforcement Logistics and Fortification), an organization one can only regard as incompetent once Santa Claus is kidnapped on Christmas Eve. 

A human named Zoe Harlow (Lucy Liu) is brought in to help find the missing jolly old elf. Harlow is the head of a secret government organization named M.O.R.A. (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority). She brings in ne’er do well computer hacker Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans) to track down those responsible for taking Claus. O’Malley is a dead-beat dad, a con-artist, and has been on the naughty list since he was a child. After so many years portraying a goody-two-shoe like Steve Rogers, I understand why Evans would be attracted to a shady character like O’Malley. It’s too bad that he gives the character an accent that seems to come and go with each scene. Is he from Boston? New York? We will never know. 

Harlow sends Drift and O’Malley out on a mission together to find Claus. Drift shows O’Malley how the toy shops of the world all act as portals to each other, allowing for Wizarding World levels of fast travel between far locations, and allowing for Monopoly and Hot Wheels product placement. Why does it take them so long to figure out who kidnapped Jolly Old St. Nick? There are only two possibilities! You’ve got Gryla the Christmas Witch, who aims to punish the world’s children who are on the naughty list, and Santa’s estranged brother Krampus (Kristofer Hivju). The dastardly Krampus lives in a nightmare realm and spends his time dancing, drinking, and participating in slap fights. The Krampus makeup is impressive, the character is not. 

This is first and foremost an action movie, and there are many action sequences, most of which feature Drift’s magical gauntlet which affords him shrinking powers ala Hank Pym. These effects are not as impressive as they were in the Ant-Man movies because the CGI in Red One is so unbelievably bad. Perhaps the special effects are not very special because this movie was originally slated to be released direct to streaming instead of the theatrical release it ended up receiving. I’d much rather watch a movie on the big screen than on my television, but it was rough watching Red One in IMAX as the effects looked so poor. 

Overstuffed with countless action scenes and littered with humor that fails to land, Red One does not have the uplifting spirit it needs to become a classic that audiences watch each year. Director Samuel Fuller made an interesting war movie called The Big Red One, and the great Jack London wrote an interesting story called The Red One. I recommend that you check out both of those and leave this Red One a lump of coal.